Completing the 9 days of Simbanggabi

I got home last night at around 2.30am from a night out with the girls. This would be the first time I will be completing Simbang Gabi; I was thinking about what a good job I had done and that I only had one more to go. I was debating on whether to close my eyes a bit before going to the 4.30am mass at MTQ or the 5am mass at Santuario de San Jose. My sister was on ym and so we ended up chatting for a while. After replying to something Melissa said, I remember putting my head down on my pillow and then... I slept.

Later on, I woke up because my mom came into the room asking Chris about something she had bought and was also asking me if I gave out the salary of all the maids while they were gone. When she left the room, I was still really sleepy and wondered what time it was. I checked my phone and saw that it was 6.07am. Through my sleepy haze, it dawned on me that I slept through both the 4.30am and 5am mass. My thoughts ranged from-- sadness & dismay: "oh my god, I won't be able to complete it", and regret: "I shouldn't have slept", and of course: "sayang naman". I contemplated running off to Santuario but then I'm sure the mass was over already. Physically, I knew that I needed to sleep some more and was still quite tired but I was so looking forward to completing the 9 days that I was more disappointed than I was tired. At that moment, I received a text from Jong telling me he fell asleep last night while waiting for me and also asking me if I was able to go to mass. I said.. am so sad kasi nakatulog ako and so I missed mass that morning. He called me up and urged me to go to mass anyway... para macomplete ko pa rin yung 9 days. I said I was going to do that nga and was going to MTQ for the 7am mass.

After a couple of minutes, I got dressed and went to hear mass. At the end of the mass, I felt content that I was still able to pray and somehow complete simbang gabi. When I spoke to Jong after lunch, I mentioned that I still felt bad about missing the dawn mass. He reminded me that it's more important that I completed the whole 9 days kasi novena nga naman yung simbang gabi... I think his words were-- I'm sure masaya ang Diyos na nakapag-misa ka kahit na di ka nakapunta sa simbang gabi kanina. Ano ba ang difference ng anticipated mass sa simbang gabi sa umaga? Oras lang. It's the sacrifice of going to mass for 9 days (even when you didn't have to) that counts. That's what's important to God.

So there. This is the first time I've completed the novena... Hurray for me :) In the past, I always went based on my mood. It was a conscious effort for me this year to go everyday. To choose to wake up, get dressed, to drive to the church and to listen to what the priest is saying and to reflect/ pray on how this relates to me. This year, it was not about meeting up with friends at mass or about where to eat breakfast after... It was about committing to 9 days of prayer.

Let's see if I can still do it next year... when I have work na. haha.

Tacky

I just ended a conversation with a very rude person. Before putting the phone down, she said "Don't forget my Christmas". I said okay, don't worry I'll tell the office. She further added "Ayoko na ng fruits ha, gusto ko cash" Oh my goodness. 

I can't believe what I just heard. How some people can find it funny is beyond me. It's just plain tacky. I understand that some may not like what they get, but it's a gift for crying out loud! You can recycle it, give it away or throw it out, i really don't care. 

No wonder why some people can't advance in life. It's because they choose to be stuck with their beggar kind of outlook instead of being grateful and gracious with what comes to them. 

Hospital

I have been at a loss for words on how to explain what I have been feeling the past few days. I think its because i havent had any time to even think about what I am really feeling. The past few days have been a blur. Staying at the hospital has been tiresome, its not difficult nor is it hard, its just plain old nakakapagod. I miss Maxine and not having her by my side everyday has been a hole in my heart. Its like walking around where the sun never shines. Saying I miss her does not even start to encompass half of what MISS really feels.

One thing i really hate is not being able to sleep in or sleep long hours or alot of hours in a day. I love to sleep. In a perfect world all i would have to do is sleep, eat and play restaurant city. But as I rediscovered this week, the world is not perfect. My hubby is in the hospital with a life threatening disease, his platelets aren't so low that we should be alarmed BUT he always gets nose bleeds and that can be detrimental. When you have dengue they dont even let you brush your teeth for fear of bleeding gums. Having a sick husband is so stressful already that you think things cant get any worse, they can. My bag getting stolen today was just fanf*ckingtastic. Sleeping in the sofa of a hospital room is not my piece of pie, but it never even occurred to me to complain about it. Sleeping and getting my bag stolen right from under my nose just plain pisses me off. Who does that?! I mean really?!!?!? WTF!

All I want is to go home. I want to stay in my room and sleep when i want til when i want. I want to wake up to my whizzing of my computer and to hug my baby as long as I want. I want to sleep beside my husband and feel his warm feet under the comforter. I want the quiet I once thought was noisy. I just want to be in a place where I can just be ME. Its so hard to have to smile and agree and be pleasing all the time. I miss my space that cannot be invaded.

How I dream of our dinner together where I can just be myself. Say whatever dumb idea that pops into my mind. laugh as loud as i want and scream whatever jibberish i wish. It is so tiring to always have your guard up. so tiring to try and literally be a better version of yourself just for performance sake. Dear God, let me watch tv in peace. Let my husband's platelets go up by tomorrow. Let me eat my cupcakes selfishly and indulgently. Pls let me be me again.

Talking about Mindanao

I went to Makati this evening to meet up with a friend and to take a look at the De Guia Family exhibit at a gallery in Reposo. We decided to have pizza for dinner at El Contro. She's been really busy with a project in Mindanao hence she's also done a lot of research there.

She always has good stories for me and tonight was no different. We started talking about the Maguindanao Massacre and she told me some of the things she found out through her work. She said that given all the information she's gathered, she could tell that the massacre was bound to happen-- since ayaw nga ng Ampatuans na mag file yung mga Mangudadatu. She told me a lot of things but some highlights:

- Ampatuans really control the Maguindanao area. In every sense of the word. Politicians who run need to get Maguindanao votes and you do that through the Ampatuans. They prepare pre-filled out ballots for whoever has paid them. People there don't even bother to vote anymore. How sad is that?

- She actually saw the younger Ampatuan at an LV store and he was getting alot of bags. His bill was P500,000 and he paid it... in cash. Apparently, he also gives out P1,000 whenever they're in the airport-- he gives it to the porter, the guard...

-Ironic that the Mangudadatus and Ampatuans actually started off as friends. Their grandfathers were friends before and were warlords na. They would fight off Christian settlers together daw. Eventually, their families entered politics and that's when things got sour between them.

- The money that the government gives for projects/ developments... just goes into the pockets of the politicians. No wonder Mindanao's so poor. As in, one of her contacts works for DSWD based in Tawi-tawi or some other province. He said he gets paid but does NO WORK. As in, wala silang ginagawa.

- In Mindanao, the kids look up to the muslim fighters/ soldiers. Their idea of a hero is someone who carries a gun.

It was so depressing. Sobrang corrupt ng mga tao... and in such a blatant manner. The thing is since the people in government are the ones who are corrupt, how will it stop? Who will stop them?

Nakakainis. Nakakainis na nagnanakaw sila sa atin. Our taxes go to people like the Ampatuans.

In the end, all I can say is... I don't know what will happen to this country na.

Garden Wedding

Correction, it's a garden wedding transported in a hotel.

oha, marunong na ako magpost! bow.

Ako rin!

This is how much of an impact Brothers and Sisters have on me - I can still remember the first time I watched it (December 2008). I can actually even remember events that happened before watching it. I remember my sister glued on the TV set watching what seemed like a boring show. I remember asking friends if it worth my time watching. I remember trying to watch it several times and falling asleep on the first episode.

I adore the show for so many reasons. If I had to choose a pretend life, I'd pick to be a part of the Walker family - kahit na half sibling lang. 

I love how Nora cooks when's she's stressed. I wish someone in our home could be the same way. I love how everyone looks so good, not over the top good, but just everyday good. I love that everyone's home is so clean and beautiful. I love that Kevin reminds me of me. I love that they love breakfast like I do. I love how all conflicts/ crisis are eventually resolved by the end of the show. I love that Sarah's kids look like her. I love that Robert the Senator pulls strings.  I can go on and on about this. Tommy come back! 

Brothers & Sisters Season 4 Ep10

Out of all the almost 30 shows I watch I love love LOVE LOVE LOVE! Brothers and Sisters the most. It has yet to disappoint me. Even with characters coming and going, plots changing and mysteries kept unsolved, I love it still. Today I had the pleasure of watching the 10th episode of the 4th season. And even if its just a tv show and the people aren't really real, to me they are. I share with you a poem that was read in the episode and I hope it doesn't spoil it for you.

I Carry Your Heart With Me
By: Ee Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Holiday Plans

The key to really feel the holiday season is to have homemade goodies at your side. I wish now that I had studied 1,000x harder so that I could have become a doctor because that would open my world to free goodies this month. I know for a fact that doctor's living rooms are filled with baskets and baskets of food and wine and etc from patients. They actually think that giving a food basket will get them inside the doctor's office faster, it doesn't. The sheer amount of gifts the doctor's receive is uncanny. It is impossible to even try and remember who they are from, especially because they don't even know the person personally in the 1st place. Anyhoo, going back, I think to really feel the spirit of Christmas we ought to FINALLY order ice cream from Roshan and SHARE it with each other. Let's meet up at someone's house and eat, drink and be merry :)

http://www.homemadebyroshan.com/ice%20creams.html
there are 6 flavors, we can get 2 and then order cupcakes from somewhere else or a cake from karen's kitchen :)

M, she sells them by the quart. I have seen you eat ice cream and I know you cannot finish 2 quarts by yourself.

The Mountain Man

Christmas. Its the time of year where we bring out the tree and put on the lights. Sing our songs and buy presents. Its also the time of year when my bank account gets hurt the most. We usually spend this year going out all the time and meeting up with friends and family. Being born with bones of irony, I love christmas but hate going out to meet up with people I dont really feel like seeing as of the moment. I end up lying all the time because of my lame excuses of not being able to go out. I love spending time at home. I love wearing my shirt and shorts and just watching my tv shows. I love the quiet (I dont really mean it's quiet but there's no one talking to me here) of an almost empty house.

*sigh*

I love spending time with people I really want to spend time with. If we could just add up the hours we spend with people we're not really that fond of, doing things we don't really want to do and eating stuff we don't really feel like eating. We'd realize what a sorry life it is. If i could, I would build my own mountain and sit at the top with my refrigerator and portable dvd player. I'd roll up tiny notes to people and tie it on my special owl's leg to invite them over at my mountain. Just imagining the wind on my face and the funny looking owl of mine makes me smile.

If I could, I would.

That Christmas Feeling

My mom has been saying this the past week - that it doesn't feel like Christmas at all. Well, as i cannot disagree with her in person, I will privately oppose her here. Haha. Though I do understand where she's coming from - there are hardly any corporate gifts being passed around and gone are the fancy decorations. The hot weather is certainly not helping. Even our fresh Christmas tree has lost its scent!

I think that it feels more like Christmas without all the bells and whistles (i just wanted to use this phrase haha) because then you don't get distracted from the true meaning of the season. I feel that this feels more like Christmas because then you exert more effort to generate that holiday feeling, minus all the material trappings. Yes, this simple lifestyle is bad for business, but it forces everyone to take into account what they actually have. So Merry Merry Christmas dear readers, and I truly hope you share my sentiments on this. 

Dismayed

Sometimes, a great idea comes to me - like throwing a Christmas Party for our help, or giving away Christmas packages filled with my favorite things to our drivers. These great ideas never get to see the light of day because right in the middle of planning it all, I see things which (for lack of an english word) nakakawala ng gana. Really. 

Wouldn't you feel the same way when you happen to catch your maid throwing away excess cooked rice. Or seeing your basement garage transformed into a shanty, with cigarette butts on the floor and bastos posters on the wall. Or finding plastic bottles on the trash can when you've asked them a hundred times to place them in the recycling bin. I wonder what else happens behind my back. Really. 

I know there are worse things, but you have to understand that even I cannot take leaving food on my plate. They must know how many hours I spend cleaning out my room and cabinets. They must have seen me pick out the bottles they thrown in the trash. Is it too much to ask to be a little more responsible? Would it hurt them to actually care about the kind of work they are doing? Really.

I still am grateful, but it's hard to translate these feelings of gratitude to action when you're constantly hit by indifference. 

Would Chuck Survive?

As I watch the latest season of Gossip Girl, a thought entered my head - would Chuck Bass survive real life? Just imagine meeting him - a high school graduate who wears nothing but suits (at may suspenders pa talaga), speaks in a whisper, pays for sex, thinks he's all that and wears a pinky ring (pinky ring!!!). My gosh. I might die from laughter when I actually meet someone like him.