Hospital

I have been at a loss for words on how to explain what I have been feeling the past few days. I think its because i havent had any time to even think about what I am really feeling. The past few days have been a blur. Staying at the hospital has been tiresome, its not difficult nor is it hard, its just plain old nakakapagod. I miss Maxine and not having her by my side everyday has been a hole in my heart. Its like walking around where the sun never shines. Saying I miss her does not even start to encompass half of what MISS really feels.

One thing i really hate is not being able to sleep in or sleep long hours or alot of hours in a day. I love to sleep. In a perfect world all i would have to do is sleep, eat and play restaurant city. But as I rediscovered this week, the world is not perfect. My hubby is in the hospital with a life threatening disease, his platelets aren't so low that we should be alarmed BUT he always gets nose bleeds and that can be detrimental. When you have dengue they dont even let you brush your teeth for fear of bleeding gums. Having a sick husband is so stressful already that you think things cant get any worse, they can. My bag getting stolen today was just fanf*ckingtastic. Sleeping in the sofa of a hospital room is not my piece of pie, but it never even occurred to me to complain about it. Sleeping and getting my bag stolen right from under my nose just plain pisses me off. Who does that?! I mean really?!!?!? WTF!

All I want is to go home. I want to stay in my room and sleep when i want til when i want. I want to wake up to my whizzing of my computer and to hug my baby as long as I want. I want to sleep beside my husband and feel his warm feet under the comforter. I want the quiet I once thought was noisy. I just want to be in a place where I can just be ME. Its so hard to have to smile and agree and be pleasing all the time. I miss my space that cannot be invaded.

How I dream of our dinner together where I can just be myself. Say whatever dumb idea that pops into my mind. laugh as loud as i want and scream whatever jibberish i wish. It is so tiring to always have your guard up. so tiring to try and literally be a better version of yourself just for performance sake. Dear God, let me watch tv in peace. Let my husband's platelets go up by tomorrow. Let me eat my cupcakes selfishly and indulgently. Pls let me be me again.