Waiting

Everytime my mom texts me i get scared. I'm afraid that her message will be devastatingly final. Today I got one of those texts again. "Pls pray for your Angkong. Its very serious na." I lost my appetite and just stared into the screen of my pc. What do you say to that. What do you do after that.

It may seem like i've been thinking about death these past few wks... but i havent. Everyday I focus on my child and I am happy. I stare at her and I am filled with wonder at how lucky I am to have her. I watch her in amazement at how curious she is at everything and how she watches the things we take for granted with awe. She loves looking at the trees swaying outside the window. Shes afraid of the christmas tree. She's afraid of dogs and yet she wants to touch them. She is confused. She shouts when she's excited, happy, angry and sleepy. She is noisy. She, to me, is the cutest and most wonderful baby in the whole world. If she would only let me, i'd hug her the whole day.

But she's sleeping soundly now and she isnt there to keep my attention. Tonight, I sit here and wait. I am waiting for the inevitable. I pray that everything will be alright. I am sad and broken. I wish people didn't have to die. I know how that sounds and i know that i am old enough to know better BUT there's no harm in wishing.

I wonder why I feel worse now about this than about my Gwama's passing. I compare my notes in my brain and my thoughts are illogical. I think this just seems harder bec death just seems to be THERE all the time this year. Its harder because Gwama dying was just a few months ago. And because how can I be able to let him go when all he wants to do is live. Because he keeps saying to his children that he wants to live some more. Because i know how afraid of dying he is and yet there's no stopping it. It doesnt matter how old they are or how young. Everytime someone leaves us it hurts.

i. HATE. this.